God’s Gunner’s, Booty Bandits, & Bad Boys
By R25288 ( c ) 2006
Chapter Nine
My Bad Beautiful Blue
“Then came Peter to him, and said Lord, how oft shall My brother sin against me, and I forgive him? til seven times?
“Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times; but, Until seventy times seven.”
The Gospel According To Matthew 18: 21 & 22
Desiderata
by Max Ehrman
“Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
“As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
“Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lessor persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
“Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
“Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
“Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
“Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
Written by Max Ehrman in the 1920’s (1872-1945) Poet and Lawyer. Desiderata in Latin stands for, “Things to be Desired.”
It was not, as historical revisionist would like you to believe, found on the Old St. Paul Church in 1692.
Of Desiderata, Max said, “I should like, if I could to leave a humble gift–a bit of chaste prose that had caught up some noble words.” Thank you, Max!
I like to know authors’ biases, prejudices, beliefs, and truths. So, here are some of mine, written July 5th, 2003:
1. My truth may not be your truth;
2. I am, you are, God is;
3. My cup is again half full, and not half empty;
4. The size of my dick doesn’t matter, but yours does, and a clitoris is just a miniature dick;
5. A dick up a virgin ass hurts, but pissing out a kidney stone hurts more;
6. Puking is not fun;
7. Sex sounds good, but an orgasm feels better;
8. Yesterday was, tomorrow may be, but now is; enjoy your is;
9. Slavery was, and is, just read the 13th Amenment of our U.S. Constitution, and the exception is prisoners, mostly black, so much for an end to slavery. Racism, sexism, ageism were, and still are;
10. Hope requires action today and tomorrow;
11. Ignorance can, and shall be overcome;
12. Life is a bowl of cherries; eat ‘em, and just spit out the pits;
13. Prison in America, in the beginning of the 21st century is over utilized, racist, too punitive, not rehabilitative, and a huge waste of resources and human potential;
14. Structural violence/systemic violence is more insideous than individual violence, last longer, and hurts more;
15. Just as psychologist and psychiatrists manufactured madness, so too do judges, prosecutors, and legislators manufacture injustice;
16. Prison is OK if you don’t mind sleeping with seventy-one other men, some snoring loud enough for the whole room to hear;
17. Organized religion helps the ignorant; spirituality helps the less ignorant; and we’re all in need of help;
18. It is possible to have a good orgasm with a soft dick;
19. Worrying is wasted energy;
20. We are all connected;
21. In prison, it is all about the honeybun;
22. We’re all doing time;
23. Angels exist;
24. If I told you everything I knew, you’d be smarter than me;
25. I’m a literalist; I say what I mean, and I mean what I say;
26. I’m part of the problem, and I’m part of the solution; I’m whole, not schizophrenic;
27. Life is a gift: open it, give it meaning, and enjoy it:
28. Suicide is hard, and harder on the survivors;
29. Here is one letter short of there;
30. Anger is one letter short of danger;
31. I am a pacifist, and corrupt governments consider me dangerous;
32. We are all immortal;
33. A little paranoia in an insane society is healthy;
34. Only in prisons are blacks a majority, and that is an example of systemic violence;
35. From a lifetime of observation, not that I was looking, mind you, but blacks normally have bigger dicks, and only insecure white males really care;
36. Most dicks have no conscience;
37. The head on your shoulder is more important than the one between your legs;
38. Money helps;
39. Sex, and making love are different;
40. Making love to a nun, for me , was a spiritual thing, as was my love making with men of the cloth;
41. I have made love to a man, and I have made love to a woman, more than once, at the same time. As they were both my lovers, it was glorious;
42. Marriage is a 50/50 chance , and I lost;
43. I was once a surrogate father to a couple who could not conceive, the old fashioned way; we were often in bed together(not to be confused with the couple in # 41). In the beginning unbeknowst to them, at the time, I made love to him in the mornings, and to her in the afternoons, usually using the same Holiday Inn bed;
44. I usually like the underdog, but cats are my favorites;
45. I have won, and I have lost; I prefer winning;
46. I now live an illegal drug free life, but when I was younger, pot was good, but Quaaludes were better, and sex on Quaaludes was the best;
47. I always had champagne taste, but sometimes beer pockets;
48. Medium rare is more flavorful than well done;
49. Lobster in butter sauce is my favorite;
50. Pills were made for cholesterol;
51. I prefer a hot Florida day to a cold Iowa night;
52. I have never had a bad blow job;
53. Earlobes are sensuous;
54. The Secret Service, during a time of personal security clearance, requested that I quit declaring Philadelphia as my place of birth. They were correct; I was born in the suburbs of Ridley Park. I still say I was born in the City of Brotherly Love-I guess it is just some gay issue I’ve got;
55. Life is like chess, and vision is the key; protect the king, but save the queen-sounds gay too. What can I say?;
56. Forgiveness is hard, and turning the cheek harder;
57. In prison, sensitivity is seen as a weakness; where do you choose to live?;
58. Bad things happen to good people; good people turn bad things into good things;
59. Today, live and love, for it is all we have, and it may be our last;
60. The courageous creates, and the coward destroys;
61. Learn one; do one; teach one, in all worthy things;
62. He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother;
63. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you;
64. Showering with a friend is cleansing; showering with a friend, and his girlfriend is more cleansing;
65. Character is hard to come by in prison; where do you choose to live?;
66. Those who only judge human surface beauty are only shallow humans;
67. I was told once that I have a tremendous reserve of energy, and I choose to believe it;
68. I was once called an asset, and Most Likely to Succeed. I was then given the lemon of prison, so I decided to make lemonade;
69. Black is beautiful;
70. A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Waste, And Prison Is A Terrible Waste Of Million Of Minds;
71. Music is a blessing;
72. In Acceptance Lies Peace;
73. Prison is a nightmare, and a dream, a punishment, and a gift;
74. War is the ultimate failure of communication on both/all sides, and the victor is the ignorant ego of patriotism, that trashes God’s laws and karma;
75. What ye do to the least of thee, you do to me;
76. We are all family;
77. I swam with the dolphins in the ocean, and their eyes were filled with joy, and I lived with the sharks in prison, and their eyes were cold, black, and lifeless, and they were just searching for life to devour;
78. There are only two types of people in the world; those who suck the energy and life out of you, and those who give or share their energy with you, hopefully, in a reciprocal fashion;
79. Blessings continue;
80. Without the support and love of my brothers Ed and Steve, and their wives, and my few friends, and lovers in prison, who protected and loved me, I would have died there, or worse, beome one of those sharks.
“There is one God looking down on us all. We are all the children of one God. The sun, the darkness, the winds are all listening to what we have to say.”
Geronimo
So, I left the dorm, and met Blue on the track, and we walked and talked. I interviewed Blue the next day, by the benches before the Rec yard, under the guard tower. I was a Writ Writter (someone who helps inmate with law work or grievances), so inmates seldom interrupted me when they saw me helping someone, taking notes, nor did the guards. I liked the bench because it seated three comfortably, but most would not interrupt, which allowed for more honesty, due to the personal nature of so many questions. After awhile, the word got out that I was doing interviews, but still no one interferred.
Blue was born in 1978, was 6′ 2 “ and weighed 148 pounds. He was arrested in 1998, for the sale, delivery, and manufacture of coke (cocaine). He admitted to his guilt, and took a plea, got eighteen months, did his time, and then went home, without getting any DR’s.
In 2002, he was arrested again for the sale, and delivery of ecstasy, crack(cheaper, more potent coke) and coke. He admitted to his guilt and took a plea, and got thirty months. He had spent eleven months in college, where he had his first gay relationship. He was never married, and he said he had no children. We were friends and partners until he went home on Monday, December 1st, 2003, at 8am.
His parents divorced when he was six years old. He was the youngest of two boys. He lived and was raised by his mother and “aunties.” Now, my aunts were my father’s, and mother’s sisters. Blues’s were always around the house, at all hours, because Blue grew up in a house of ill repute, as his aunties were members of the world’s oldest profession. What do you think would become of a child raised in that kind of environment? Some of the answers to that question will be revealed later in this chapter.
Basketball was Blues’ favorite sport, and green his favorite color. He had no favorite TV show, movie, or song. He was shot once in the leg, by a friend, accidentally, and had no current major medical conditions.
What is your favorite day in prison?
All of them, cause if I make it every day I’m doing good.
What was your favorite day on the streets?
Everyday, cause I know I’m still living.
What was your greatest lifetime achievement?
High School graduation.
What was your most serious crime?
Manufacture of Coke.
When was your best time in prison?
This time.
When was your worst time in prison?
The first time.
Which prison did you like the best?
Liberty better than Brevard-that was a jit (youthful offenders) camp-adults-different attitude here-insight on alot of things-a challenge.
What would you like to see improved in prison?
Opportunities-jobs-a more learning environment.
Blue said he had no gold teeth, tatoos, or religion, but said he was somewhat spiritual. He said he never had to deal with racism in prison.
Is your sexual orientation straight, gay, or bisexual?
Versatile.
How do handle the lack of privacy in prison?
I take it one step at a time.
What are your future plans?
Become more of a man-take things head on-challenge life, and what’s out there.
What type of assistance will you need once you get out on the streets?
Good people-financial people-educated people-hard working role models.
Blue did not consider himself a violent person, and he had spent one day in a JDC(Juvenile Detention Center) for resisting arrest without violence. He considered himself a leader, and his current prison job was “Houseman,”-one who cleans the dorm after people left for their daily jobs.
What are your thoughts on gangs in prison?
Bullshit.
What are your thoughts on gambling in prison?
Just a hobby-way to pass time-way of survival for some.
Blue labeled himself an Independent, but said he had never voted. His last HIV test was in August 2002, and it was negative.
Do you think you will be coming back to prison?
I don’t plan on it.
Have you made friends in prison, that you think you will continue to communicate with on the streets?
Not many-a couple.
What was the most violent thing that you have seen in prison?
Stabbings-Hispanic on black, and Hispanic on white-here at Liberty, in 2002-misunderstanding.
If you had a son, and he was coming to prison, what would you tell him?
Keep his head up-be a leader-obey authority, and Daddy loves you no matter what.
What was your greatest lesson of prison?
There’s more to life than to waste it doing time.
“For Lucien
“I am the man, I suffered, I was there.”
Walt Whitman
“But people can’t unhappily, invent their mooring pasts, their lovers and their friends, anymore than they can invent their parents. Life gives these and also takes them away and the great difficulty is to say Yes to life…
” ‘Somebody’, said Jacques, ‘your father or mine, should have told us that not many people ever died of love. But multitudes have perished and are perishing every hour-and in the oddest places!-for lack of it…’
” ‘But I am a man,’ I cried ‘a man! What do you think can happen between us?’
” ‘You know very well,’ said Giovanni slowly, ‘what can happen between us. It is for that reason that you are leaving me.’ He got up and walked to the window and opened it. ‘Bon,’ he said. He struck his fist against the window sill. ‘If I could make you stay, I would, he shouted. ‘If I had to beat you, chain you, starve you-and I could make you stay, I would.’ He turned back into the room; the wind blew his hair. He shook his finger at me, grotesquely playful, ‘One day, perhaps, you will wish I had.’ ”
Giovanni’s Room, by James Baldwin
My heart hurt in prison, literally, and I found that being in love lessened the pain, so for my survival, I searched out love, in basically a loveless environment.
On April 8th, 2003, I wrote Blue the following:
My Bad
“You came into my world, and walked and talked with me. I’m sorry I wounded you. My bad, for what you gave was free.
“While my intellect is fast, my common sense is sometimes slow. I want you as my friend, my partner, my dawg, so please don’t go.
“Wisdom and experience you have. Youth is not your handicap. Mistakes, I’ll make, and so will you. This way is new, and there’s no map.
“Life is an adventure, a journey, a risk, a chance, with sorrow and pain. But if you stay open and communicate, you’ll experience more sun than rain.
“Thanks for you, and moments of joy. I wish you the best, and hope for more. Anger is easy, forgiveness is hard. Come back my way, don’t head for the door.”
Blue, I came to realize was an addictive personality to gambling, and I became his enabler for a bit. We argued over it. He continued to call home and get money from his mother to pay off his gambling debts. And I became adament, and also quit helping him with them. So, he gambled less, and lost less, and we spent more time walking the track. I was born April 29th, 1950.
It was around 2pm on April 28th, 2003, and I sat under one of the two gazebos on the pound. Each had eight metal tables bolted to the floor, with four metal chairs around each table also bolted to the floor. Blue was skinning-a card game requiring little skill. There are 52 cards in the deck with 4 of each, so everyone playing, picks a card, and no one grabs the same number. So, let’s say I grab a seven, and you grab an eight, and someone else grabs an 9, and someone else grabs a 10. Then the remaining cards are shuffled and placed back in the deck box, and pulled out from the top, one at a time. Now, first we bet. We use cards cut in half-each representing $1.00. Since money is not allowed in prison, you utilize deodorant, packs of rip(cigarettes), food, etc. You buy your chips from the house ,who pays out at the end of the game/day.
So, now we bet against each other-no limit. Then a card is pulled out. Let’s say it’s a seven. Since I have a seven, I then have to pay everyone at the table whatever I bet. If it was a eight, then you would pay me, and everyone else at the table you bet, and we go through the whole deck.
Now this being prison, and with nothing to do, the cons, and hustlers try to increase their chance of winning by cheating. This is accomplished in a variety of ways, and usually involves, the house, which changes daily, and a partner of the house, who is in on the con. Now, you may mark the cards, or sand them down, or add an extra king, for example, and take out a 10, for example. So, now you or your partner pick the 10 as your card, cause the house is allowed to play, but not too often to draw attention, and therby increase your chance of winning by 25%. Now, the smart player is the one who can count to 52, and knows a deck is to have 52 cards. And it does, just an extra king and less one 10. This being prison, cards cannot afford to be bought daily. Usually, the house partner is a trusted member of the game who is not questioned, so he counts the cards, shuffles them, and usually insures that the hustle is not discovered. If ever discovered, well it was Joes’s deck, and then Joe will say he borrowed it from Henry, who got it from Jimmy, who got it from Sam, and Sam is in jail, or transferred or went home, and so it’s charged to the game. Everyone acts the role of ,”Who would have thought Sam would have done this?” And the game continues with a different deck, meanwhile the house is still ahead, and shortly ends the game out of ‘disgust’, to maintain their profit margin, and the fishes come back to the game the next day to lose more money, cause they have noithing else to do, which suits the system, cause without any vocational training or education, the bad boys will be back within a few more years from release, and insure their job security, and the perpetuation of the systemic violence.
Well, Blue was winning and feeling good, and he got up from the table and came over to me and whispered in my ear, “Do you got two new staff working in your dorm?’ “Yeah,” I replied. “OK.” he said, “Go in and get your dick ready and wait for me on the shower floor, and I’ll be in in two minutes.” It was to be my birthday present. Blow jobs make the best presents, so who was I to argue? I walked into the dorm, unnoticed, walked into the empty bathroom, and knelt down behind the five foot shower wall that stretched the length of eight shower heads about three feet apart. I undid my pants, laid on the shower floor. No one took showers during the day. I pulled out my dick,as Blue turned the corner and laid down between my legs, and started giving me my birthday present. I had never cum so quickly before in my life. Some of the sperm slid out of his mouth onto my blue dress pants. It was my badge of honor, that I wore proudly the rest of the day. He said, “Happy Birthday, now that I know you can cum so fast ,we can do this more often.” I loved this kid’s attitude. And we both left, as we arrived, unnoticed. Another victory for my prostate.
However it was the second, and last blow job I would ever receive from Blue, and the end of our sexual relationship. Shortly thereafter, he was placed briefly in confinement, for doing three way phone calls-a violation. Confinement affects us all differently, and Blue couldn’t handle it, so he basically broke no more rules. I was Ok with it, and I understood. I never once saw his dick. We still spent every day together until he left prison, being friends, and having fun, just not sex. It’s all good.
On April 25th, 2003, I wrote Blue:
Thanks
“Thanks for sharing yourself with me. For two months now, you’ve been my friend, and more. Through ups and downs, even though we’re not free, I’m so glad you stuck around, and never bolted for the door.
“We’ll play it your way, as you say, and live for today, day by day. The future is unknown, so we’ll live in the here and now. Some call it straight, or bi, some call it gay. You called it ‘versatile.’ I like it that way. I’m glad you’re my pal.
“I like the way you carry yourself. I like waching you play cards. I like you being sensitive to my emotional needs and desires. I’d like you more if we were around less guards. I’d also like to like you around less thieves, thugs, and liars.
“Through talking daily with you, secrets and all, and walking the track, I’ve grown to cherish our moments together of sharing. And when you were down, I supported you with more than one pack. Thanks for your friendship, your daring, and your caring.”
Blue got upset when I quit enabling him, and spending time with him at the gambling tables, so, on May 8th, 2003 he wrote the following (grammer uncorrected):
“Threw the up’s and down’s-And the smile’s and the frowns-and the good times and the bad, I always thought you were a friend I’d have. But sometime things get Ruff and people get weak-but at the same time We are still We-I can’t say that I know what you are going threw but right now you are not the person I once New-Time, Time, Time was something you always wanted but where are you when I get lonely sleep, or reading, or lately just in your own little world So here I am alone to take on this crazy world.
“But alone I started and I guess alone I finish when I fall I know how to get up and keep moving and try, try, try, again But Chris you were a friend I thought I had to the bitter end.
“Key words you spoke
“Friendship”
“Trust”
“Hardship”
”Support”
”Honesty”
”Time”
“Feeling”
”Love for a friend”
”Don’t leave”
Your lucky # should be 6,7,8
Cause Chris ain’t playing strait.”
On May 11th, 2003, I wrote:
Dearest Blue,
Thank you for your note of 5-8-03. It was sensitive, and I appreciated you writing it. I came to you shortly after receiving it, in hopes of talking with you. But, you blew me off, basically saying you were doing exercises. So, I was hurt, because I even told you that I’d be in the dorm, if you wanted to talk. That was three days ago, and you never came to talk to me. So, I still wanted time with you. But, Blue, friendship is a two way street. It is a give and take. It is reciprocal-reciprocity-remember Blue, I always told you that was important to me.
“What I was going through (Not “threw” as you wrote-but it’s OK Blue, it’s just the teacher in me coming out) was feeling a bit used, abused and taken for granted, by you. And, yeah, you’re probably right that I may be too sensitive, or emotional. But on your birthday, I bought you chips, loaned you a towel and rubber bands(essential to putting down a professional ’skin’ game). I watched the game, kept things straight, while you were away from the table-only to have you give one half of your winnings to “Animal,” and nothing to me.
“The next day, while you were drinking a soda, and I had none, I asked you for a sip, and your response was, “Don’t do that.” This after I have bought you chip, soups, and sodas for the past month.
” So, Blue, what I’ve been going through is trying to figure out our friendship. Friendships throughout history, and our lives, have come and gone. Some are stronger, and last longer, and I hope, and want our friendship to continue to grow, last, and be strong. But, mature, healthy relationships and friendships require nurturing from both people involved. Reciprocity is important. It’s the concept of I’ll take care of you, if you’ll take care of me I’ll feed you if you’re hungry, and I’m able, and that is your need and desire. That is reciprocity, Blue.
“I don’t want you to have, ‘to take on this crazy world’ alone. I want you as my friend and partner. But, don’t use or abuse me, or take me for granted.
“Blue, we have lots of differences-age, race, background, education, but we have so much in common. In this environment, many people are hating on two people being close and partners, cause they don’t have, or can’t have. So, separating two people in here is easier than two people struggling to keep a tight friendship.
“I’ve always been straight with you, Blue, and while my sensitivity may be a weakness, it is also my strength. It helped me lower my ego and write this letter.
“Now, we can choose to walk separately in here, and I’ll be professional with you, or if you want our close friendship to continue, and develop, I’ll be walking the track today, and all you have to do is ask me to take a walk, so we can work out our differences. If I don’t hear from you today, Blue, I’ll just take it that you just want the ‘professional’ friendship, not the personal friendship. And, it’s all good.
“With Love,
“Chris”
Blue came to me that day, and we walked the track daily from then on, laughed, and had fun together. I bought him a pair of sneakers, and a sweat suit, and we had it sent to his mother, so she could send it to him in his EOS(end of sentence) package. It is the only time your family may send you clothes, and you only get to put them on before you walk out the outer gate, so no one get to see how you look in them. Blue promised to send me a picture of him in his new outfit.
He gave me the following going away letter, the day before he left ( again in his own words, punctuation, and spelling):
“Hello well theirs no time to be wasted so here I go all so fast we became friends and even faster we both learned alot and just a little faster than that my time has come to depart But alway’s understand that in every situation in life has a learning process to it and one thing you got to learn is “capture the moment” in other word’s “Ball till you fall” live every step of life like it’s the last one left because you never know when the next step is going to land I hope you understand where I am comming from never chase if it’s meant it will come to you the world move’s around and round so sooner or later it will come back your way dont for get that you have been a very good friend at times well all the time and you made thing’s alot easier for me in this spot and I thank you for it I hate seeing someone as smart as you in a place like this this here is not your cup of tea But life goes on all you can do now is make the best of what seem so bad and role with the punches which I know you can do I have faith in you But one of your down falls is “lonly’ness” you think you need someone by your side which you don’t you are too smart to need any one * people here need you * !! Now let that sink in for a minute now that you have thought about it let me Break it down you taught me something I’ll never for get which was there is 3 - types of power money, friend’s and knowledge and that’s so very true now I always told you I like control!! and control is a form of power but in order to be a controler you need knowledge right which bring’s on friend’s because everyone wont’s to know what you know? and that equals money because you pay to learn
“now once again please stop and think about what I said in those last couple of line’s because it all tells you more about me But moving on in order to be a winner you got to know how to loose and except it with a smile understand!! But in the heart alway’s know that in the end you will win
“Dr.(Blue called me “Dr.”) my plans with you was to show you the way comming from the bottom because I see you never been to the bottom so yes I tried my best to take you their and Bring you back and at times we went rock bottom but together everything was fine and we still are friends no matter what now its funny because I know that you say live for the moment and I know that will play a big part in your life and Blue taught you that so I think our ‘Roler Coaster” Ride was fun but now we are to the end But befor I end I want you to lay Back and think about this whole Ride from beggining to end and you will so (see) how end (in) the end you win
“later
“Blue”
We exchanged adresses, and family addresses. I sent him letters and Christmas cards. We hugged and said goodbye the morning of 12-1-03, with promises of letters within two weeks. I never heard from Blue again.
His next door neighbor went back to their county jail months later, and had ten years taken off his thirty year sentence. He found out from family and friends that Blue was now wearing high heels, dresses, and wigs.
From Internet records, I recently learned that in May, 2004, Blue was arrested for driving with a suspended license. In September, 2004, Blue failed to attend his hearing. In November, 2004, Blue was listed as an Absconder/Fugitive from justice, with his location listed as “Unknown.” Please pray for Blue.
“For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.”
The Gospel According To Matthew 18:11
